A commentary on the book
And the Bride Wore White
written by Dannah Gresh
Moody Publishers: Copyright 1999
By: Rebecca (Hamilton) Revised 3/17/16
I had the privilege of seeing the author of the book And the Bride Wore White, Dannah Gresh, at a banquet at Mountain View Inn in the fall of 2003. The purpose of the book is to help women, mostly young single women, walk a pure lifestyle. Dannah Gresh puts into perspective the why’s and how’s of living a life of purity from a Godly point of view. She points out that we are being robbed of the beautiful gift of sexual love that God has given us. The thieves are big fat “media” lies. In her book, Dannah unleashes secrets to sexual purity based on facts, truths, and reflections of the heart.
Deciding to live a pure lifestyle is a big decision that requires patience. First and foremost, the decision must be made with the strictest guidelines. Dannah advises that women make a list of these guidelines staring from eye contact with a man clear up to sexual intercourse, and all the innuendos in between. With that list she asks that they draw a line as to where they would absolutely stop if it got that far, and vow never to cross it until their wedding night. She points out that being alone with a man, especially in a horizontal position (typically done when “making- out”) is like playing with fire. The best way to stay out of a compromising position is to stay clear of access to it. The “public” can be great chaperons.
Purity needs to be pure. Many young women think that as long as they are virgins on their wedding night, then they have remained pure for their husband. This is not a truth. A pure heart is just as important as a pure body and must be guarded against pressures to do everything but sex. This includes staying away from lustful activities that may seem as harmless as watching “Grey’s Anatomy,” or listening to a sensual song about illicit sex. Dannah states to “Be careful, your thoughts may brake into actions.” One study done on women points out that women with no premarital sexual history are 10% more likely to be sexually satisfied in their marriage. One woman, who both her and her husband were virgins on their wedding day, is quoted as saying, “You know, we might be having really lousy sex, but we have nothing to compare it to, and so we have a blast together.” Another survey notes that 63% of teens do not want to hear the “safe-sex” message saying it only promotes casual sex.
Purity needs accountability. It is a good idea to find a friend or perhaps good ole mom, to encourage and hold you accountable for your actions. A 1990 study of the “Best Friends” program showed that young ladies would encourage each other to remain abstinent. In the control group, 37% of the girls were sexually active compared to none of the “Best Friends” girls, who actually waited until their wedding night to be intimate with their husbands.
Purity needs vision. Dannah recalls making a list of the things she would like her future husband to be. To sum it up, she wanted a humorous, Godly man with tight buns. The list is to be lighthearted knowing that it is possible to fall in love with someone with the general values one holds that may not necessarily have nice buns. She asks this question, “Do you want to be intellectually and spiritually superior to the man you fall in love with, or do you want to be challenged and stimulated by him forever and ever?” She also writes about that praying for this man that you may not have even met yet. Dannah asks that women visualize themselves. What would her husband want and expect of her before they meet? Is she a priceless tea cup waiting to be cherished by her husband?
Purity needs to know that men think about sex! This is not a big surprise. Studies vary on this. One shows that 54% of men think about sex daily. Humorist Dave Barry says, “The other 46% of the men are lying because it is a known scientific fact that men think about sex a minimum of all the time.” Another study concludes that men think about sex every four minutes. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth. With that in mind, women need to understand that men are stimulated by sight. They must not deny the “overtly sexual desires in men.” “Women have a responsibility to help keep men’s minds pure in how they view us (women) by dressing modestly,” says Dannah. As Marmie told Meg in Little Women “If you feel your value lies in being merely decorative, I fear you will find yourself one day believing that is all you really are.”
Purity has its rewards. The consequences of impurity have been thrown at us so much that the message has lost its vigor. Most have heard about AIDS and other various STDs, unwanted pregnancy, a “bad girl” reputation, etc, etc, etc…Dannah touches on these briefly, but her focus is more on the rewards and benefits of purity. Dannah asks, “What choices will you make to build a great love story?” That would include no regrets with a past sexual history. Deuteronomy 6:24, NIV “The Lord commanded us to obey all the decrees… so that we might prosper.” How much more glorious sex will be if we wait? This book was encouraging for me to read. It reaffirmed much of the standards that I was trying to hold, it challenged me to a higher level of purity, and it helped me become solid in my stance to wait. I recommend this book to any woman any age who struggles with living a pure lifestyle or who needs a boost in remaining pure. I believe that God will bless those who wait until the covenant of marriag3 to explore sexual intimacy, in all its forms, with satisfaction, fulfillment, and a great knowing of being one with their true love for all eternity.
Abstinence
By: Rebecca (Hamilton) Revised 3/28/16
Most of us would not put one bullet into a six shooter, aim it at our heads and pull the trigger. That is how the game Russian roulette is played. Likewise, when you woke up this morning, did you say to yourself, “I am going to contract a sexually transmitted disease that I will have to treat for the rest of my life? Not only am I going to get a disease that may kill me, but I am going to get pregnant and my boyfriend is going to leave me stuck. I will have to choose to either carry to term or have an abortion, which could also have a devastating effect on me. I will loose most of my friends and my parents will cry with disappointment.” No, you would never say that to yourself or even consider thinking it. I could not imagine anyone consciously making that choice. Yet, people are doing it every day. There are thousands of new cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) every day. Three-fourths of the one million teen pregnancies each year are unintended, of which 300,000-500,000 will end in abortion. When a person decides to have sex, they are making a decision that will affect their future. Consider that one out of every five Americans has a viral STD, your odds are better with the six shooter. Having sex is like playing Russian roulette with your life. Abstinence until marriage is the only 100% way to avoid sexually transmitted diseases and an unwanted pregnancy.
So, what is abstinence? There seems to be a controversy over the definition of abstinence between those who are in favor of abstinence-only education and those who are in favor of comprehensive sexual education (sex-ed). Abstinence education teaches that abstinence is a standard of purity, not just refraining from sexual intercourse. It is about saving all sexual activity for marriage. Abstinence is a decision that needs to be finalized in your heart; make the choice and stick to it, because abstinence is freedom.
Let’s take a look at each of these separately. Studies show that teens say that morals and values play a bigger role in whether or not you have sex , but, we can’t ignore the facts about STDs. Every eight seconds a teenager gets an STD (Phelps, p.2). Wow! That’s a lot!
You may have been taught that you should wait for the right person, but if you can’t wait, then keep a condom handy, just in case. Many STDs can still be contracted using a condom. Genital Herpes, an incurable infection, is just one. It can be passed to a baby during delivery which may cause death to the baby (Health Matters, p.2). And then there’s Gonorrhea. Over the years, gonorrhea has become resistant to the drugs used to treat it. Chlamydia. Now this one sounds fancy. With between 4-8 million new cases each your, it is the most common bacterial STD and condoms provide only minimal risk reduction. What about AIDS? There is an estimated 900,000 people in the U.S. infected with AIDS (Health Matters, p.2). The smallest natural whole in a condom is one micron. The HIV virus is one-tenth the size of a micron- you do the math. What is HPV? The human pappilloma virus is a virus that carries a germ that infects the uterus of a woman and may lead to cervical cancer. This germ can pass through a condom. Ninety percent of the 4200 women who die each year from cervical cancer got it from HPV.
Some STDs can spread to the uterus and fallopian tubes causing pelvic inflammatory disease which can lead to infertility (Health Matters, p.1) The noticeable symptoms of STDs range from itching, burning sensations, painful blisters, fowl discharge, open sores and painful urination (Health Matters, pp.1-3).
Are a few moments of pleasure worth all this?
You may be thinking “I know who I’m with and I can tell that they do not have an infection.” A naïve assumption would be to assume that someone does not have an STD just because they look healthy. Take into consideration that eighty percent of infected persons have no noticeable symptoms for sometimes up to years later; therefore they can spread an infection without knowing it.
Many teens think that they have found away around the whole safe-sex issue with oral sex. Oh, my, did I just say that? Yes, but hey, no reason to skirt around the truth. “Outercourse,” as many are now calling it, is just not smart. You can still get most of the above named STDs in your mouth. You are NOT outsmarting the system!
You have a one in six chance of getting pregnant even while using a condom. An unplanned pregnancy could and will change one’s life forever. First of all, 1/3-1/2 of teen pregnancies end in abortion. Think about that, one-third of your generation is wiped out before it even began. Having an abortion can be dangerous to both your physical health and your mental health. Complications from abortion may include: blood clots, hemorrhaging, infection, cut or torn cervix, perforated uterus, pelvic inflammatory diesease, infertility, an even death. The strength of the suction machine used to perform some abortions is strong enough to turn the uterus inside out. This may cause a woman to need a hysterectomy. Abortion has also been associated with breast cancer. Here’s how it works: Breasts are sensitive to carcinogenic cells (cancer causing cells) before you get pregnant. When you get pregnant your hormone levels (arestradol, progesterone and B-hcg) go way high. These serve to stimulate the breast to maturity for breastfeeding. These hormones drop gradually after birth or during a natural miscarriage. If an abortion occurs, the hormones drop dramatically and suspend the natural process of maturing, thus causing a “hormonal blow” to the breast. These cells are now left vulnerable to carcinogens.
Then there’s the emotional trauma of abortion. Post-abortion syndrome, suicidal thoughts and nightmares are very real to women who’ve had an abortion. Not to mention, abortion takes the life of a pre-born human child.
If you do choose life for your child, parenting is not easy. Eight out of ten teenage moms are high school drop outs and many of the fathers drop out in order to get a job to support the new family. Getting a good job is hard enough without a college or trade school diploma, let alone not having a high school diploma. Can you say, “Would you like fries with that?”
Freedom from a bad reputation, emotional scars and psychological damage is another benefit of abstinence. A bad reputation can cause scars that run much deeper than any STD. I was reading a book in which the author was telling a story about a TV show she was watching called “Guys and Sex.” The show focused on two brothers who were “Casanovas” being interviewed about their nightly conquests. Finally the interviewer asked them if they would ever marry? Here is what one said, “Yeah, but not for a long time.” “Who will you marry?” asked the interviewer. “Not any of these girls,” he spoke with assurance, “I want my wife to be pure.” (And the Bride Wore White, p.22) Imagine flipping through the channels and coming across this show. You find yourself in tears because you are one of “those girls.” You see, these men most likely do not want their wife to have been experienced by men in the way that “those girls” were with them. I recognize the double standard, so let’s further the conversation by saying that men can be scared emotionally by living a promiscuous lifestyle. They can also contract diseases that can be passed on to their future wives. The standard of purity swings both ways.
“Yeah, but.” I know that many of you may be saying a lot of “yeah, buts.” I know, I’ve heard them all. “Yeah, but, shouldn’t you test drive a car before you buy it?” “Yeah, but everybody else is doing it.” “Yeah, but, I’m human and sex is just a natural part of life.” O.K., first of all, not every body is doing it. Secondly, when you truly love someone when you get married, it doesn’t need a test drive. And lastly, we are not animals unable to control ourselves. You are a valuable human being complete with spirit, soul and body. And you are worth the wait.
FYI
1 in 5 Americans 12 and older has genital herpes
If left untreated, Gonorrhea and Chlamydia can lead to Pelvic Inflammatory Disease in women, which may cause infertility
HPV can lead to cervical cancer in women
Condoms offer little to no protection against: Herpes, Syphillis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, and HPV
Most STDs can be transmitted through oral sex
Birth Control pills, while meant to prevent pregnancy, are not 100% effective and can cause an abortion in a breakthrough pregnancy. The pill does not offer any protection from STDs
The morning after pill may lead to an ectopic pregnancy, which, if left untreated, can rupture putting a woman at risk, even death
Premarital sex also has an emotional side. These feelings may include, but are not limited to: regret, anger, low self-esteem, guilt, depression, and suicide. These feelings usually increase if a break up occurs
Mutually faithful monogamous couples have virtually no chance of contracting an STD
Cohabiting men are 4 times more likely and cohabiting women are 8 times more likely to cheat on their partners than married couples
Married couples: spend less time in poverty, have sex more often, and live longer than non- marrieds or single people
Tips for Abstinence
Respect yourself and your future spouse by keeping remaining abstinent until marriage
Set boundaries, stay out of compromising positions
Avoid drugs and alcohol as they weaken your inhibitions and control
Learn the art of saying no: “If you love me, you’ll let me.” — “If you love me, you’ll wait for me”
Find a good friend to help hold you accountable for your actions and commitment to wait
Be assertive and don’t date individuals who disrespect your decision to wait and the boundaries you have set
Believe in yourself! You are a person of worth and value. You are not some animal who cannot control its sexual urges. You are an adult, responsible for the actions you make. Know that the decisions you make today, can and will affect your future. And remember, sex will never produce love. Love is a choice to honor, cherish, respect and forgive another person, not the result of a physical act. Love, in its truest form, is as pure as a newly fallen snow, it is seen in the innocence of a child’s eyes and will stand the inevitable test of time. True love waits.
For Every Great Battle, There is a Great Victory!!