Discipline
Proverbs 22:15 (NIV) “Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.”
Proverbs 23: 13-14 (NIV) “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death.”
Proverbs 29: 15 (NAS) “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.”
Discipline: the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior, using punishment to correct disobedience; disciple: a follower or student of a teacher, leader or philosopher; A follower of Christ.
It is a most valuable thing to teach your child that there are consequences, good and bad, to their behavior. The method you use to teach such a lesson is unique to you and your child’s temperament. I highly recommend getting your child’s Temperament Analyses Profile done (TAP Test that analyzes your child’s unique God-given personality) in order to discover what methods of parenting will best suite your child’s individual needs.
Here are some basic guidelines to help you in the discipline area of parenting.
Spanking can be a useful disciplining tool in your parental toolbox. Some people feel that if you spank your child that that is child abuse. I would never do anything to harm my children and love them to the point that I would lay my life down for them, and I spanked all three of my them when they were little. Now I have a fourth little one and she has gotten the rod of correction starting at 1 year old. If you’ve ever met my three older children, you would agree that they are very well behaved and polite. A swat on the behind with a paddle is not child abuse, it is correction and discipline used to drive out foolishness and disobedience. I say paddle, because I believe that your hands should only be used to love on your child, guide them and hold them. They should not be used as a tool for inflicting pain. If you use your hands, your child may flinch when you lift your hand suddenly, even if it is to touch them gently. So use a spoon, a ruler, or something similar to spank your child. However, if you see bruises, then you’d better stop, cause that is child abuse.
Someone once asked me what I did when my children threw a temper tantrum, did I spank them right there in the store. “They never threw one, not even once,” was my reply. Now that I have my little Aurora, the strong-willed child, I’ve had to deal with minor tantrum-like behavior. She is learning quick that tantrums are a big no-no. “Wouldn’t you do better to reason with her?” She’s 2. A quick swat on the bum followed by a stern, “No!” is more to her understanding. But she’s also smart, so I do my best to explain things to her verbally, knowing she is beginning to understand more and her comprehension is growing every day. So, I say to the parents whose kids throw tantrums in the store, spank them right then and there. They’ll think twice about doing it again on your next shopping visit. It won’t be long before “the look” is enough to make them behave. And don’t worry about what other people around you are thinking. Chances are they are thinking, “Thank goodness, someone knows how to correct their child!”
“So, why can’t I put them into time-out rather than spank them?” When you place a two year old into time-out and tell them to, “think about their actions,” You are only frustrating your child, because they have forgotten what they have done and are wondering why they are being made to sit in a chair. A quick spank on the behind and firm “No” will get their immediate attention. After a few of these, they learn not to do it again. That doesn’t mean that every time you turn around and your child is doing something you don’t like that you should spank them. First establish the rules and boundaries, then give them a couple of warnings. If they still act in disobedience, which they almost certainly will, then spank them. Once your child gets a little older then time-outs, sending them to their room (provided it’s not filled with gadgets like TVs, stereos and computers) or sticking them in the corner for a few minutes can actually be effective. I would start this technique around 4-5 years old. Be careful not to use spanking as the go-to discipline at this point. Reasoning with your child will start to become more effective at this time, but certainly spanking can still be utilized. When your child hits pre-teen and teen, then spanking becomes inappropriate and grounding is what I would recommend. Teens love their “stuff” and activities. Depriving them of such luxuries will most likely help them to “learn their lesson.”
“What if my child sasses me or down right smart mouths me or disrespects me?” I’ll let you in on a little secret, each one of my 3 older children have sassed me once in the early stages of adolescence. Just once though, because they remember how that sting on their mouth felt if they ever think about sassing again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some tyrant, constantly trying to control my kids. On the contrary, my kids and I have a great relationship. We did stuff all the time together: watch movies, go on outings, go to church events, eat dinner together. They actually thought I was a pretty cool mom, but they respect me. Now that they are older, we have a mutual respect that allows them to voice their opinions without being disciplined for it so long as it’s in a respectful manner. Quite frankly, it’s always been this way. I remember when my now 16 year old son was much younger, I asked him to clean his room. He very promptly said, “I don’t want to.” But he trotted off to his room and cleaned it. It’s okay that your child lets you know their feelings on a subject, as long as it’s within appropriate boundaries. Be consistent with discipline, not too harsh, but firm, and show them unconditional love, albeit tough love, but nonetheless, love.
Never-ever swear at or belittle your child. You should treat your child with respect and dignity. When a parent swears at a child, it degrades the relationship. When a parent belittles, or otherwise mistreats, disrespects, or makes fun of their child, it shatters their self-image and esteem. It makes them insecure and vulnerable to seek out acceptance in places you may not approve of such as gangs, an older boyfriend, or drug users.
It is godly to discipline your child with a rod of correction to drive out folly and gain wisdom. If however, you suffer from a violent temper and lack control when it comes to spanking your child, then you should seek the correction you need before you can properly and non-abusively spank your child.
And don’t forget to utilize rewards to encourage proper behavior. I don’t believe children should be given treats every time they do something that is expected of them, but appropriate rewarding can be beneficial.
Consistency is the Key
Consistency: a condition of being fixed; a degree of firmness or density; agreement or harmony; constancy.
Have you ever told your child that in order to get desert, then he/she must eat all their dinner first? What did you do next? Did you follow through or was it an empty threat? One of the most damaging things you can do as a parent is to not follow through with your word. Your child will soon learn that your word is no good. He/ she will no longer respect you or trust you. They will eventually think that they can walk all over you. Consistency is the key.
Do you set so many rules that it is near to impossible for your child to follow them all? Do you have virtually no rules and your child does whatever he/ she wants? Going over-board, or under-board, is not good parenting. Tough love is best. Be strict in areas that need it, like a curfew for example. But love on your kids as much as you can, for they truly do grow up too fast. Be consistent with the rules you do set, and be consistent in showering your kids with love. Consistency is the key.
Do you encourage your child, lift him/ her up, and praise them when they do right? Or, do you put him/her down, always telling them that it wasn’t good enough? While I do think we can encourage kids to do better, try harder, it is vitally important to their self-esteem that they know you approve of them and love them just the way they are. A general rule of thumb: consistently give your child words of praise and encouragement, and once in a while some tough criticism would be O.K., but speak the truth in love, not condemnation. Consistency is the key.
Do you regularly fight with your child’s other parent? Or, do you treat them with respect? It is important to your child that you get along with their other parent, whether you are together or not. Children do not like to feel like they have to choose between the two of you. It is not fair to them if you are making them feel this way. They love both their mom and dad, even if you don’t! Speak kindly about their mom or dad in front of them. Treat their mom or dad with respect, even if you feel they don’t deserve it, every time you see them. Value the other parent as your child’s mom or dad. Remember, just because it didn’t work our between the two of you doesn’t make them any less valuable to your child. Consistency is the key.
How often do you tell your child that you love them? How often do you make your child feel important? How often do you put work or your own pleasures in front of your child? If your children are emotionally neglected, it’s time to love on them. Make a play date with them or a special trip to the park. Take your daughter to a cafe for tea. Take your son fishing, or even visa versa. These things matter to the heart of a child. And don’t just do it once in a while, do it a lot. Consistency is the key.
How often do you pray with your child? How often do you pray for your child? This is so crucial to raising kids. When you tuck your child into bed at night, lean over and give them a kiss, or read them a story, that is great. But take it a step further. Get on your knees beside their bed, take their little hand and pray with them. “But I don’t know how to pray.” Oh, it’s so easy that it takes a theologian to make it complicated. Just start talking to God with your child. You’d be amazed at some of the things they pray about- “and bless the bug I squashed today…” Then, when you go to bed, get on your knees again and pray for your child. Do it every night, and I guarantee you’ll see positive results showing up in your child. You’ll notice a change in you too! Consistency is the key.
To help get you started on your prayer life with your child, here is a little prayer you can use until you come up with your own:
Dear God,
(Child’s Name) and I want to talk to you for a minute. We want to tell you how much we love you and thank you for such a good day. We ask that you bless us tomorrow at work and at school (pre-school, daycare) and that you keep us safe. We also want you to help us do what is right and to be kind to others.(then let your child say something to God if they want). We thank You for all the good things You have blessed us with, but most of all, we thank You for sending Jesus to the cross so we can spend forever with You. In Jesus name, Amen
Here is a prayer for you to pray over your child:
Dear God,
I thank you from the depths of my soul for giving me and entrusting me with this child to raise according to your will. I ask that you help me to be a better parent to my child. Give me wisdom and guidance as to how I should be raising and treating my child. Help me to get to know them better and to love them unconditionally as you do, Father. I ask that you keep him/ her safe with a hedge of protection. I bind every demonic spirit that would come against my child. I cast down every sickness and disease Satan tries to afflict my child with. I pray for their future, that it be lead by you. I pray for their virtue, that it be kept pure. I pray for their future spouse, that they are growing up in the Lord and their purity is kept. I pray that my child grows into a man/ woman of faith, honor and integrity. That they love you, God, with all of their heart, mind, soul, and strength. That they honor you in all that they do and that they do not cave into peer pressure. I pray that you help me to be a godly role model for my child. Give me wisdom, guidance and patience. Help me to value their other parent. Show me to love my child with the same unconditional love You have shown me. In Jesus name, Amen!!
Encouragement
Encouragement: the action of giving someone support, confidence or hope.
“Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My six-year old son had asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, ‘God is good. God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all, Amen.’
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, “That’s what’s wrong with this country. Kids today don’t even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream. Why, I never.”
Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, “Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?”
I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him. An elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my son and said, “I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer.”
“Really,” my son asked. “Cross my heart.” Then in a theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), “Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes.”
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, ‘Here, this is for you. Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already.'”
Author Unknown
Children have tender souls. Care for them tenderly.
“The second folly of Frederick the Great was that he wanted to find out what kind of speech and what manner of speech of children would have when they grew up, if they spoke to no one before hand. So he bade foster mothers and nurses to suckle the children, to bathe and wash them, but in no way to …speak to them, for he wanted to learn
whether they would speak the Hebrew language, which was the oldest, or Greek, or Latin, or Arabic, or perhaps the language their parents… The children all died for they could not live without…words”
The eighteenth century scholar- Salalimbe
I once learned about a study that scientists did using crystal particles and words. The scientists took two glasses and filled them with equal parts of these crystals. They then took glass A and spoke only kind, positive and loving words to it. Glass B was bombarded with words of hate and negativity. After a time, the scientists examined the crystals and what they saw amazed them. Glass A, which was spoken to in love, produced more and beautiful crystals with a white overlay. Glass B, which was spoken to in hate, produced ugly, black crystals!
“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”
I believe this old saying is a lie from hell. Ask anyone who’s ever been made fun of, or lied to, or degraded by someone they thought loved them. Jesus said in Matthew 12: 34-37 (NIV), “You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (The KJV says, ‘Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks”), The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” The KJV says “For by your words you will be justified.”
God’s Word also says in Proverbs 18: 20-21 (AMP) “A man’s [moral] self shall be filled with the fruit of his mouth; and with the consequence of his words he must be satisfied [whether good or evil]. Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or life].”
You are justified or condemned by the words of your mouth.
If words can change the look and texture of mere crystals, think about what words can do to a child’s tender heart.
Children are tender. Care for them with tenderness.
For Every Great Battle, There is a Great Victory!!