The Big Decision
By: David Grothe
Over 29 years ago, the chaplain of the United States Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, Colorado, asked me a strange question. He said, “So, David, have you and Becky decided not to get a divorce?”
A little surprised, I said, “Well, we really love each other; we’ve been dating for over 3 years, and we’re getting married next weekend.”
“Yes, I understand. But have you two decided to not get a divorce?” he reiterated. I must have looked totally puzzled by hie question as I thought, “We’re not even married yet.”
He went on to explain to me how important this decision was. By taking the option of divorce off the table, even before the wedding, an important step would be fulfilled in insuring the success of our marriage. He continued to tell me that when this decision is make before troubles arise, divorce no longer figures into the equation when looking for solutions to marriage problems.
I couldn’t really tell him we’d had that discussion. “O.K.,” he said. “Tomorrow when you see Becky, talk to her and you two make the decision not to get a divorce. Call me when you have.”
With that mandate, I drove to Northern Idaho and presented the chaplain’s counsel to Becky, who responded much as I had. We discussed the gravity of this decision, prayed together, and made the commitment to God and to each other, that we would never get a divorce. I called the chaplain to confirm the good news.
His advice was the best (and briefest) premarital counseling we ever received. Becky and I have shared that same counsel with thousands of couples over the last 29 years.
“But in the beginning God made a man and a woman. That’s why a man leaves his father and mother and gets married. He becomes like one person with his wife. Then they are no longer two people, but one. And no one should separate a couple that God has joined together.” Mark 10: 6-9 (CEV)
David Grothe, Tulsa, Oklahoma
www.grotheministries.com
Hebrews 13:4-5 (New American Standard Bible, Updated): Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers, God will judge. Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, “I will never leave you, nor will I ever forsake you,””To be loved for what one is, is the greatest exception.” Goethe
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to fall in love with them, but then an entire lifetime to forget them.
The following is an excerpt from Robert Grazian’s article on divorce statistics.
“Divorce has become a common occurrence both in the United States and around the world. According to divorce statistics, it is estimated that between 40 percent and 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce in the United States… Second and third marriages in the United States have even higher divorce rates. According to statistics, second marriages fail at a rate of 60-67 percent, and third marriages fail at a rate of 73-74 percent. …According to divorced couples, the number one reason that marriage fails is due to either a lack of communication or poor communication. The second most cited reason for divorce is martial conflicts and arguments (PVM note: the second reason is the direct result of the first). Thirdly, many divorced couples say infidelity led to divorce. While these are the primary reasons cited for divorce, statistics show that there are several underlying factors that contribute to these trends. These factors include, but are not limited to: age, education, income, religion, and cohabitation.
Age
Statistics show that those who get married in their mid to late-twenties are less likely to get divorced that those who marry at a younger age, and that this age group tends to be more satisfied in marriage than those couple who marry later in life. For divorced couples under the age of 20, the women are more likely to initiate the divorce; whereas for divorced couples over the age of 20, the men are more likely to initiate the divorce.
Education and Income
Education and income both play a role in divorce statistics. Data shows that a married couple with a higher education and a higher income is less likely to divorce than a couple with lower education and lower income.
Religion
While several religious denominations show a slightly lower divorce rate of 21-34 percent, other data suggests that those with no religious affiliation have a lower divorce rate than those with reported religious affiliations (PVM note: this may be due to the co-habitation rate rather than marriage of non-practicing believers and non-
believers)…
Cohabitation
Reports suggest that between 40 percent and 85 percent of couples who lived together before getting married had the marriage end in divorce. (PVM note: most studies suggest this rate to be very high and the divorce occurs very early in the marriage)
Divorce statistics indicate that about one-fourth of adults in the United States have been divorced at least once in their lifetime. Characteristics of individuals that have a higher probability of divorce include:
Younger age at time of marriage
Lower education
Has children from a previous relationship
Cohabitation prior to marriage
Sexual activity prior to marriage
According to divorce statistics, it does not appear that only one factor contributes to a couple’s decision to divorce. Although three primary reasons have been identified by divorced couples as the leading causes of divorce, it seems that underlying factors may contribute to these issues as well.”
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to fall in love with them, but an entire lifetime to forget them. That was worthy of being repeated. Have you ever written something in pencil? Of, course you have. Have you ever tried to erase it? Not easy is it? In fact, when you hold the paper up to the light at just the right angle, you can still see what has been written. The same is true for marriage and divorce. Try as we may, when we give our lives to someone in marriage, we cannot simply erase them from our minds by the simple act of signing a writ of divorce. Their image is forever imprinted in our memory. Having been divorced once, my choice, and currently in a pending divorce, not my choice, I know all too well the truth to these statements. This confession is not easy for me since I am the author of a Christian website advocating a war against the attacks of the enemy on such issues as divorce. But, my confession comes without shame or condemnation, for God took what the enemy made for harm and used it for His glory. As the song goes, “Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me. Hallelujah, all my stains are washed away.” If not for my second husband leaving, I may not have known just how much I needed God. I would not have jumped, headfirst, into His arms and said, “O.K., God, I’ve made such a mess of my life, now it’s Your turn to do something with it. I give You all of me.” Henry Ward Beecher put it this way, “Troubles are often the tools by which God fashions us for better things.” Yes, my life has been an uphill growing experience since that awful day and yes, God can take away the sting of divorce from a pure and repentant heart, but honestly, it’s better to just stay married and allow God to heal your marriage. God “hates divorce,” and He is the author of all things good and wonderful. He longs to bless your marriage and make it something even you could not even imagine. If you will give God first place in your life, give Him your difficult spouse to deal with and trust Him to renew, restore, rejuvenate and rekindle your love for one another, then I know He will not disappoint you. The promise of a lifetime is not to be made lightly with the notion, “well, I’ll try it out and if it doesn’t go my way,
then I’m outta here.” NO, that’s not what covenant is. To keep your vow under the most extreme pressure is the mark of true godly character. Hosea portrayed such strength of character in that when his wife, Gomer, fell back into her old ways of prostitution, he continued to love her. She utterly rejected him and he continued to love her. When she fell into slavery, he bought her back and loved her still. It’s a representation of God’s covenant with us. We come to God with all of our needs and wants. Then we spit in His face when it doesn’t go how we planned and walk away from Him. What does He do? He continues to love us unconditionally, without batting an eye. And when we decide we can’t live without Him and come crawling back to beg His forgiveness, what does He do? He stretches forth His mighty hand to lift us up. He dusts off the filth we had become and covers us with His garment of love. And to top it off, He prepares a feast to celebrate our return. He has paid the ransom for our slavery to sin through the sacrifice of His dear Son on the cross. That’s what love is, that’s what love does. Love sacrifices, unselfishly. Many would say that love is blind, or that love can only endure so much. I would say that love is not blind, it only sees what matters. Love, true love, endures any attack the enemy can strike upon a marriage. Love never fails.
Pure Victory Ministries is waging war against the enemy, who is not flesh and blood, but the ruler of darkness. Your spouse is not the enemy, Satan is. And we need an all-out attack against his schemes, deception and mission to destroy what God has joined together. My church recently showed the movie, “Fireproof,” instead of it’s regular Wednesday night service. This is a movie about a fireman whose wife filed for divorce and is being tempted into adultery. His father, a Christian, tries to help his son by giving him “the love dare,” a forty day journey to try to save his marriage and win back the heart of his wife. Along the way, Captain Caleb Holt from the Albany Fire Department, learns to swallow his pride, the value of patience, and the power of prayer. Pure Victory Ministries would like to get this movie and the accompanying “Love Dare Journal,” into as many hands as possible, especially those whose marriages are struggling or facing divorce. The journal is a book in which the reader does one “dare” everyday for forty days. I strongly urge you to go to your local movie/ book store and get a copy. If you can’t afford a one, PVM would be more than joyous to purchase one for you. We think your marriage is worth it and so should you! Satan is out to destroy you and your marriage. Are you going to let Him?
“Here is another thing you do. You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, weeping and groaning because He pays no attention to your offerings and doesn’t accept them with pleasure. You cry out, “Why doesn’t the Lord accept my worship?” I’ll tell you why! Because the Lord witnessed the vows you and your wife made when you were young. But you have been unfaithful to her, though she remained your faithful partner, the wife of your marriage vows. Didn’t the Lord make you one with your wife? In body and spirit you are his. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. So guard your heart; remain loyal to the wife of your youth. “For I hate divorce!” says the Lord, the God of Israel. “To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. “So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” Malachi 2: 13-16 NLT
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For Every Great Battle, There is a Great Victory!!