Each month I sit at my desktop computer and type out our monthly newsletter. Sometimes the message comes easy, sometimes I simply have no idea what to write about. This was one of those months. So I sat, staring at a semi-blank template. The newsletter format is the same, but the body of the message is empty. So I’m gonna get real. Really real. Sometimes I feel like my newsletter looks at this very moment. All the formatting is in place, but I feel empty inside.
I get up each day and go about my usual routine. If I’m up early enough, I get to enjoy getting things done in my workshop, a place Aurora cannot go as there are just too many things for her little hands to grab. Some mornings Rob and I go to the gym. And then there’s the morning I get no time to myself as Aurora is my alarm clock, jumping and singing in her crib. That sound is better than any BEEP, BEEP, BEEP of an alarm and puts a smile on my face every time.
Once she goes potty and is dressed, we head downstairs to start our day. Breakfast, playtime, meal prep, playtime, snack, playtime, maybe I get some housework done, I definitely get yard work done as Aurora loves to play outside, lunch, playtime, maybe I get some craft making done, etc… This is my day. I’m content.
Most days I’m content.
I have days where I just feel, well, down. Empty. Melancholy. Side note: I actually am part melancholy in my temperament. So on my down days I’m extra, “I want to cry over everything” melancholy. I don’t cry though. I just continue on with my day, my thoughts raging on the inside. As a part phlegmatic, my thoughts usually consist of political injustice. If you are wondering, “What’s a phlegmatic?” Well, I’ll put it this way: My daughter Elaine said one time that she chuckles to herself whenever she sees a group of people protesting something, “Look at all the phlegmatics in one place!” Phlegmatics want justice, for things to be fair.
And life isn’t fair. Life is tough and sometimes hard to manage. No matter your temperament, most of us have struggles in our minds. We have past hurts, present conflict, and future insecurities. Most of us get overwhelmed from time to time. Pressures to meet goals, balancing work and play, diet and exercise, having healthy relationships. All these things take time, thought, resources. It’s a high standard of living that society has demanded we live.
Simplify.
This is what I tell myself on those really down, extra melancholy/ phlegmatic days. “You’ve taken on too many projects! Let’s make a list and start finishing them, one at a time, but no deadlines.” This conflicts with all the neat ideas running through my head, “The garden would look great over there. I’ll move it! The ministry would really do well to serve this mission over here. Let’s go! Aurora really needs to learn more stuff before kindergarten (3 years from now). Let’s get this app!” We all could use a little less deadlines and a little more, “relax and enjoy life.”
Well, I finally did weep. My melancholy gave my phlegmatic permission to do so. It was the phlegmatic that was crying out for relief. The injustice going on in the world. The falling away from the things of God. Good is called evil, and evil is called good. Headline after headline of firestorms of immorality, and immorality coming from the church too! This was the straw that caused my eyes to fill with tears. The church, in part, does not represent what it is to be holy and the unsaved are following suit. Our light is dim and our salt has lost its flavor.
But I called my mom and she reassured me not to fret over these things, to remain in Him and His peace. I shall not fear the enemy for I am in Him.
So as I sat staring at my blank message body on my computer screen, completely unknowing what to write about this month, my eyes drifted to one of my many sticky notes on the monitor.
It was a message inspired by God that I wrote to myself several years ago when I was suffering:
“I’ve seen your tears and heard your prayers. I’ve delivered you and given you a new desire. – God”
I needed this reminder, as we all do, that God cares about our emotions. He cares about how we feel each and every day. He doesn’t want us acting on our emotions as they are fleeting, hear and gone as the wind blows through the trees. But He does want us resting in His perfect peace. He wants us to put our trust in Him that He will right our wrongs and put us in a new, better place of wellbeing. He will provide us a safe place to rest in Him, even as the world collapses around us in its own filth and despair.
In His Service,
Rebecca Hamilton, Founder/ Executive Director
For Every Great Battle, There is a Great Victory!!