I joined a mommy group on Facebook recently in which we discuss with and advise each other on the day to day issues of being a mother in today’s world. The subject of bullying came up from one such mom’s post about her four year old being insulted by another four year old. She was dropping her son off for his first day at pre-school when he asked another boy if they could be friends. The boy said, “No, we can’t be friends cause your hair bothers me.” (He had super curly hair) Of course this upset the mom and she was asking how she should handle this mean little boy.
About 20 other mommy’s agreed with her that “kid’s today are just so mean. I would tell him that’s not nice and also tell his teacher.” I can’t say their gut reactions were ill-intentioned, not by any stretch. I would feel similar in my emotions if someone said something so seemingly harsh to one of my children. But, what if we are teaching our children to stifle their emotions about how certain things make them feel? What if we are teaching them to lie about their feelings? A child blurts something out and our gut reaction is, “That’s not nice, don’t say that.” In their head, they had an emotion over whatever it is they commented on and they were just invalidated and made to feel bad about it by the person who they look up to most- their parent. What if this line of training causes these same children difficulty in relationships when they become adults?
I felt this situation needed a different approach.
Here was my response to the mommy:
“A couple things:
- Your son is adorable!
- Yeah, kids at that age do say whatever pops in their head. They don’t really have a filter just yet. My daughter’s bottom teeth jet out past her top ones and a little boy in line was intrigued. “Why does she do that” “it’s just the way God made her” “but why” and so on. He genuinely seemed upset over her smile!
- Maybe it’s sensory. I worked with children that had autism and such and one girl was “wigged” out by my hair. She literally thought I was wearing a wig with my long curls and it bothered her. Eventually she asked if she could touch my hair. “Sure!”
Lastly- Maybe the child had never seen such curly hair on a boy and he didn’t know how to feel about it. If it happens again, I’d encourage you to engage him about it- “what is it about his hair that bothers you?” And take it from there.”
The approach I gave would neither stifle the other boy’s feelings nor make him feel bad for having them. I don’t believe that four year olds are inherently mean or being a bully when they say things. It may be embarrassing if you are out and they see something they hadn’t before: “Look at that man, he has no legs.” “I don’t like that girl’s birthmark.” “Why does that boy have brown skin?” And, out of embarrassment, our immediate response is, “shhh… That’s not nice, don’t say stuff like that.” And we apologize to the other person. But your child isn’t being mean. They are being curious. Children are sponges soaking up all the information their world around them has to offer. If we stifle their curiosity, how will they continue a love for learning?
I’m not suggesting we let our children simply get away with every idle, empty, or even seemingly mean, word that proceeds out of their mouth. They shouldn’t grow up thinking every time they have a thought they have to speak it. What I’m suggesting is rather than stifle their curiosity and making them feel bad about themselves, why not engage them in healthy dialog? Teach them how to communicate their feelings that neither hinders them nor hurts others. Engaging them rather than “Shooshing” them will help them sort out why they feel the way they do and also help them make sense of the big world around them.
In His Service,
Rebecca Hamilton, Founder/ Executive Director
For Every Great Battle, There is a Great Victory!!